When the first “Cars” movie was released in 2006, I didn’t pay it much attention. Even if that boneheaded high school senior version of myself had been capable of paying attention to things, it’s still a movie about talking cars aimed at a much younger audience — hard pass. And such was the case for both sequels.

That is, until my children came along.

The never-ending search for animated content that is both wholesome and colorful enough to hold kids’ attention led me back to “Cars” and for that, I’m grateful. The film espouses virtuous themes such as friendship, humility, integrity, and, most importantly for the purposes of this column, accountability.

For those who haven’t seen it, here’s a quick primer: Arrogant rookie race car Lightning McQueen, through a succession of mishaps, destroys the only paved road in a dying desert town along Route 66 called Radiator Springs. The audience is treated to Lightning’s journey of personal growth as he works to repair the road. The lessons aimed at children are delivered through Lightning’s actions, but a much more subtle lesson is aimed at adults and delivered by the town’s residents. Led by a retired race car, the townsfolk force Lightning to fully repair the road he damaged before he is allowed to leave.

What a perfect way to enforce accountability and encourage responsibility — it’s an arduous task without a hint of punishment. Certainly, it would have been much faster and easier for Radiator Springs’ residents to simply expel Lightning from town and fix the road themselves. After all, he immediately demonstrates an uncooperative demeanor, is inept at road construction, and the townsfolk don’t owe any type of effort to help him address his character flaws. Such a decision might have been viewed as sympathetic, yet the townsfolk offer no sympathy, and all parties involved benefit from that decision.

What exactly is the danger of sympathy? Sympathy, at its best, is a feeling of compassion for another person, but at its worst, it’s a feeling of pity. Most of us could never imagine comfortably saying “I feel bad for you” but “You have my deepest sympathies” is perfectly acceptable. This isn’t to say sympathy is always a bad thing — feeling sympathetic towards a person with an ailment is a good indication that you don’t associate their ailment with any kind of stigma. It’s the feeling that motivates us to get out and try to help other people. Yet it’s also sympathy that often keeps us from actually helping other people by discouraging accountability. A common word for that is “enabling.” Within the context of mental health, substance abuse, and overall well-being, sympathy is support without accountability. On the other side of the problematic spectrum, we have punishment, which entails accountability without support. The goal, then, is to develop empathy, the combination of support and accountability.

These are the two pillars upon which the State Bar of Michigan Lawyers and Judges Assistance Program stand. Support is easy — anyone who’s carved out a fulfilling career in the service industry can attest to how good it feels to help other people. Accountability, though equally important, is a different animal altogether. It takes a rare relationship to hold a person accountable for their actions without eliciting anger and denial in return. Without that relationship, the temptation is to show leniency. Take a moment and think about the people in your life whom you would accept calling out your mistakes. Accountability is uncomfortable (just ask any politician) for both the one holding and the one being held. And yet, when it comes to wellness, support without accountability just becomes sympathy, which is problematic; sympathy is antithetical to any meaningful behavioral change (such as eliminating toxic work habits or integrating wellness-promoting behaviors into your routine).

Empathy, like change, is uncomfortable. Doing it right forces us to occasionally experience painful emotions in the name of making a connection with another person feeling those emotions in that moment. Sympathy makes no such effort and seeks to avoid discomfort as much as possible. It’s also uncomfortable because it demands we hold people accountable. Sympathy demands we make a struggling person as comfortable as possible, personal growth be damned.

Going back to the “Cars” example, when the supporting characters begin to empathize with Lightning, they begin to understand the depth at which he yearns to be a champion. Doc Hudson, being a former champion himself, sees his potential and rather than punishing him without a second thought (which would have been much easier for Doc), he demands accountability. In true Disney fashion, Lightning applies the lessons he learned in the pivotal finale.

Here are a few steps loosely adapted from the work of psychology icon Brene` Brown to improve your ability to empathize, make connections with others, and be more confident about expecting accountability from those around you:1

• Put yourself in their shoes. Most of us are taught this as children, but it’s a good reminder to consider the wants and needs of the other person.
• Listen thoroughly and completely. If you catch yourself cutting someone off, talking over them, or waiting for your turn to speak, you’re doing it wrong.
• Identify what emotion they are feeling. Be specific — for a profession obsessed with wordsmithing, “They’re probably feeling bad” doesn’t cut it.
• Recall what that emotion feels like. This requires vulnerability and, often, some level of discomfort, especially if the other person is distressed.
• Communicate that you recognize the emotion. Every good storyteller knows the rule is “show, don’t tell.” If you use phrases like “I understand,” “I know how you feel,” or the cringe-worthy “I empathize with your situation,” people won’t believe you. Instead, for example, if you know the person is feeling annoyed, try “I can see how irritated this is making you.”

And as a bonus, here are some tips from psychology icon Thomas Grden on how to respectfully hold people accountable for their actions:

• Empathize with the discomfort you are causing them. Often, a bit of empathy in the situation will take the wind right out of their sails. But if it doesn’t ...
• Prepare for the backlash. Most people feel uncomfortable being held accountable and that discomfort usually manifests itself into anger. Don’t take that anger personally.
• Stay firm and resist the urge to relent. Remember, sympathy is patronizing. I can certainly understand the lawyerly instinct to consider mitigating factors, but people in the habit of behaving poorly tend not to stop behaving poorly after receiving sympathy. If you absolutely can’t resist the urge, then at the very least say the understood part out loud: “I’m giving you a break because I feel bad for you.”
• Make expectations crystal clear. If the rules are nebulous, they will inevitably be manipulated.

Whether you’re interested in exploring the themes of empathy and accountability further or just want to connect with other attorneys about mental health and wellness, I invite you to check out the weekly virtual support group facilitated by the Lawyers and Judges Assistance Program (LJAP). LJAP also offers a variety of other services such as consultation, assessment, monitoring, and referrals to licensed therapists familiar with the stressors of the legal profession.